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Holin’ Lord Nerd Beta

July 16, 2016 | The Mythical State of Jefferson

There is a legend in the Mythical State of Jefferson that tells of an old-timer named Wiley Jeb.

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I II III IV V VI

I Prospectus

There is a legend in the Mythical State of Jefferson that tells of an old-timer named Wiley Jeb. It’s said that Wiley Jeb was a big time stockbroker in New York during the Roaring Twenties: top hats, Fitzgerald, the whole nine yards. But when things turned Steinbeck Jeb found himself rotting in the Big Apple, kicked to the curb. He’d lost everything in the crash. His wife left him for an employed cabbie who could afford soup, his society club friends deserted him, even his dog no longer answered his calls. He defined “down and out.” But one day, while he lay face down in the gutter willing his life to end, he noticed the street water cascading through a grate and into the sewers below. Watching a tiny twig spin slowly in the brackish gutter current, he had a vision. He imagined himself doing the same, floating blissfully in the primal embrace of a lazy watershed. This was his life’s calling, to ingratiate himself into the the arms of a welcoming river, to find a clean-running eden, to float in meditative tranquility while welcoming spiritual and emotional transcendence.

 

From that day forward he was on the hunt, bindle over his shoulder, bumming his way from state to state in search of the swimming hole he saw in his vision. North to south and east to west he scoured the countryside. For more than two decades Jeb bummed across America. Of course, in this great nation there are many fine swimming holes that tempted his fancy, but they all seemed lacking: too fast, too slow, too dirty, too clean, too hot, too cold, too many people, not enough beach. Wiley Jeb had his vision, and he was a determined to manifest it.

 

Eventually his search led him to what is now the Shasta-Trinity National Forest in what should be known as the State of Jefferson. It was here that Wiley Jeb found his swimming hole Shangri-La. In the cool, clear waters of the North and South forks of the Salmon River, the Klamath River, the Trinity River, and the area’s countless streams, creeks, brooks, lakes, ponds, and springs, Wiley Jeb found the paradise he was looking for. From that point forward he spent his summers in these idyllic waters and his winters in a ramshackle cabin in the middle of the forest, soaking in a wood-fired hot tub he continually refreshed with the waters of a nearby river. ‘Course there were other places in the states where you could float all year long, but Jeb was after quality not quantity. He spent so much time immersed in these rivers that folks said if you stumbled upon him he’d be naked as Adam and so wrinkled you thought he was a fat man with the air let out of him. As the MSOJ became more populated, sightings of Wiley Jeb were fewer and further between. No one knows exactly what happened to him, but most believe he just blended into the water, becoming one with the river and truly becoming his dream.

 

Yonder Journal heard of this legend from some some old corn dogger—or maybe we read about it in a crumpled and torn journal in someone’s attic. We don’t rightly recall, but we believed in the legend and set out to find the magical swimming holes that called Wiley Jeb all the way across the country. But in order to do so we needed a guide, a local not only familiar with the area but who had the power to divine its secrets. Fortunately we’ve got a guy. Mike Cherney is a wizard, alchemist, sage, and shredder who lives in Hayfork and knows his way around the MSOJ. He’s our friend and he agreed to guide us. In exchange, he asked that if we did find these mythical swimming holes, that we pay them respect by taking our time, lounging in them as much as possible, not moving on too fast—we were happy to oblige. An expedition of this magnitude and scope needs a strong team so we called in a crack crew of corn doggers (corn dogging being the catchall phrase for swimming holing, camping, goofing, pit-stopping and generally just enjoying the world in lieu of banging out 120 mile days). With our team assembled we set out in mid-July on a four day bicycle excursion. We equipped our Sequoias and AWOLs with all the necessary provisions: coffee, GORP, swim trunks, and… other stuff. We were prepared for anything; from slightly fast-moving water to completely still water, we had our bases covered.

 

Did we find Wiley Jeb’s mythical swimming holes, did we bathe in their waters, lounge on their beaches, and ride miles upon miles of singletrack to get there? Yes. Yes we did. Before reading ahead, know that what you will see will probably cause you to quit your job, grab your bike and your swimming costume, and hightail it to the MSOJ.

Chern's Jamboree
If you're going to go on a swimming hole tour of the MSOJ (or anywhere, for that matter), it helps to get yourself a Magical Local Wizard who lives on a beautiful compound and wants to A) guide you to the best spots in the region and B) host a fully-catered jamboree get-together before the ride.

II The Holin' Roster

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III FYI

  1. The Mythical State of Jefferson is as much a mindset as it is a place. In order to fully appreciate this area we recommend you enact measures to assist in mind-altering explorations.
  2. There are bears. So it’d be a good idea to hang your food, we did. On the flipside, if you really want to get close to a bear you should sleep with your food in your sleeping bag. Don’t worry, they’ll find you.
  3. Rattlesnakes. Poisonous spears with baby rattles attached to them. Much like a non-commital boyfriend, run the other way when you hear the baby rattle.
  4. Water is available but not always available. Be sure to stock up when you have the chance.
  5. Narcos, methheads, and illegal minors. Any one of these can be more hazardous than a brief tango with a black bear on account of firearms, greed, and anger. So pay attention when you’re out in the woods. Any indication that you might be stumbling upon an illicit scene is also telling you that you’ve lost your way. Our route certainly does its best to steer you out of harm’s way.
  6. The Ghost of Wiley Jeb. If you have the chance to commune with the Ghost of Wiley Jeb, let him do the talking. If he doesn’t talk then just sit there—if you talk first you’ll be cursed with brackish water and stagnant pools for the rest of your life. And no one wants that.

IV Bike Setup

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V Truck Setup

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VI Packing List

Category
Food
Item
Qty
Suggested
Freeze-Dried Meals
1/day
Mountain House (Mexican Rice and Chicken a la King are good, get the Pro Paks if you can.)
Instant Oatmeal
2/day
Quaker Oats Brown Sugar and Maple
Bar #1
2/day
Clif Mojo
Bar #2
2/day
Clif Kit's Organic
GORP
3oz/day
Bulk, from the co-op
Jerkey
3oz/day
Teriyaki, Hot and Spicy, or Mangoes
Candy
3oz/day
Haribo Gummy Bears
Chips
2oz/day
Kettle Salt & Fresh Ground Pepper (compressed to reduce volume)
Tortillas
10
Flour, large taco/fajita size
Cheese
8 oz
Artisanal Extra Sharp Cheddar
Salami
1 log
Artisanal
Coffee
3 units/day
Stumptown, ground for pour over (or bring a grinder)
Category
Clothing (Worn)
Item
Qty
Suggested
Bib Shorts
1
Specialized SWAT
Stretchwoven Overshort
1
Mission Workshop Stahl
Gloves
1
Specialized BG Ridge
Cycling Cap
1
MFS!
Socks
2 pair
Outlier or Swiftwick Merino Wool
Shoes
1
Specialized Recon
Helmet
1
Specialized Airnet
Shell
1
Mission Workshop The Meridian: Phase
T-Shirt
1
Mission Workshop Linear Merino Tee
Category
Clothing (Camp)
Item
Qty
Suggested
Underwear
1
Icebreaker
Long Sleeve Baselayer
1
Icebreaker
Puffy
1
Mountain Hardwear Ghost Whisperer (probably not required on a warm trip like this unless you run cold)
Camp Hat
1
Pink Poler Rayon Hat (go look at the photos, you'll see and you'll want it)
Camp Shoes
1
Luna Sandals for efficient river navigation
Camp Shirt
1
Cotton Poler T-Shirt (there are SO many graphics to choose from, take your pick!)
Camp Shorts/Swim Trunks
1
Poler Men's River Chino Shorts
Category
Gear (Bike)
Item
Qty
Suggested
Seat Bag
1
Porcleain Rocket Mr. Fusion
Frame Bag
1
Porcelain Rocket
Handlebar Bag
1
Porcelain Rocket MCA
Top Tube Bag
1
Specialized Burra Burra
Mini Tool
1
Specialized EMT PRO MTB
Patch Kit
1
Rema, of course
Tubes
2
FRESH ones only
Tire Levers
2
Specialized
Bottles
As many as you can
Dead Reckoning Water Bottle
Mini Pump
1
Specialized Air Tool Flex
Mechanic Stuff
1 (can be shared)
Multi-tool, Leatherman w/ pliers, tubes, patch kit, tire boots, tire levers, pump, spare chain linkes, shifter cable, nuts and bolts, derailleur hanger, zip ties, Gorilla tape, whatever else you can think of
Category
Gear (Camp)
Item
Qty
Suggested
Tent/Shelter
1
Hyperlite Mountain Gear Cuben Flat Tarp (w/ lightweight poles!)
Sleeping Bag
1
Mountain Hardwear Phantom 30°
Waterproof Stuff Sack
A few
Sea to Summit EVAC (minimum one for your sleeping bag)
Sleeping Pad
1
Therm-a-rest NeoAir XLite
Knife/Tool
1
Leatherman Wave (preferably one your brother gave you fifteen years ago for Christmas)
Headlamp
1
Snow Peak Mola (with fresh batteries)
Cup
1
Snow Peak
Spork
1
Snow Peak #sporklife
Bandana
1
MFS, YJ, or something with a cool map on it
Teeth Stuff
1
Whatever your personal program is
Book
1
JA Baker's The Peregrine
Lighter
1
Bic (in Ziplock)
Sunscreen
1
Max SPF, waterproof
Sunglasses
1
Oakley Frogskins
Repair Kit
1
Needle/thread, sleeping pad patch, Tenacious Tape
Sharpie
1
Wrap it in Gorilla tape
Wet Wipes
1
Soft pack
Category
Gear (Camp, Shared)
Item
Qty
Suggested
Water Filter
1 per 2-3 people
MSR Sweetwater
Soap
1
Dr Bronner's Almond
Stove
1 per 2 people
Snow Peak Gigapower Auto
Fuel
2/week/stove
Snow Peak Giga Power (bigger size)
Cord
50ft
Paracord
First Aid Kit
1 per 2-3 people
Homemade
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