AACK: The Knife Fight

Amateur Animal Cycling Krew

AACK: The Knife Fight

What is a Knife Fight? Why are Knife Fights important? How can I get involved in a Knife Fight?

AACK: The Knife Fight

I II III IV

I Introduction

Here’s the deal: strategists aka boring people and dudes without jobs and/or real responsibilities are always going to win in the real world of Cat 3 racing. There’s just no way around it. It can’t be helped. But that doesn’t mean the rest of us, including the fastest racers in the race, don’t want to compete. Road racing is a funny sport in that the strongest rider doesn’t always win. Hell, never wins is more like it! Well, what the fuck is that about? I mean, aren’t we ready, as country, for the strongest rider to start winning the race? That’s why we invented Knife Fights. KF’s are basically a race within the race that can only be won by the strongest racer with the greatest style. It’s super simple, it works like this. Who can ride off the front (throw a punch)—forcing the group to speed up and break apart and get confused and come a little undone—the most in any given race. How many punches can you throw? Whoever throws the most punches in a knife fight wins. Finally, the strongest rider wins the race.

II How Can I Participate in a Knife Fight?

  1. First, buy a pair of Most Animal socks. See below for more details about purchasing these sweet socks. Also, if you pre-order you get a discount. And/or if you’re a Cat 3 you also get a discount. You combine the discounts.
  2. Most Animal socks are how Knife Fighters are able to identify each other.
  3. That, and we will publish names or nicknames or numbers or code names or however each individual racer would like to be identified on AACK the night before each race. But those are just words. Socks will be how you VISUALLY know who is in the race with you. It’s like a wink in the form of a digital zebra striped sock designed by Steve Hockett.
  4. If you can’t afford socks but you can afford the race, send us a letter and we will send you some loaner socks. Also, claiming you can afford the one but not the other makes no sense because socks are cheaper and last a lot longer than a crit but whatever it doesn’t need to make sense.
  5. If you write us an essay about how and why you should get a pair of brand new socks to keep and race in, we will 1000% consider it. You might not get socks for free. But you might.
  6. Register as a Cat 3 to race one of the official races on the official Knife Fight calendar and race it. Sorry, this idea is dumb enough without trying to expand it too early to every category and every race. We’re only SO stupid. We like these races. And we think this is mostly a Cat 3 4 Lyfe kinda concept.
  7. During the race throw the most punches.
  8. Punches are defined as sprints or attacks off the front that cause “significant” disruption to the race.
  9. You know it when you do it. Others will also know it when you do it.
  10. You break-up a train, you force a bridge, you upset the tempo, you get out and stay out (those count as three punches), you speed things up when nobody wants to speed up. Basically think of it this way: it’s the same but different as the most aggressive rider classification. In a crit, most aggressive means Throwing Punches.
  1. Within two hours of completing the race you will be required to call us and leave a message. That message should detail the number and nature of each punch you threw.
  2. We will have a panel of anonymous judges attending each race that will either corroborate or deny your claim.
  3. It’s kinda like the honor system but it’s not exactly based on the honor system.
  4. The winner will win a MOST ANIMAL kit (all-new for 2017 jersey and bib shorts—not yet released!) in their size.
  5. Even if you’re the only one that enters the race you are still required to throw at least one punch.
  6. Also, just to be exceedingly clear, Throwing Punches is a metaphor for a SAFE but significant attack during the race. It’s not a literal call to action. And it’s not encouragement to ride like a dick. This is still a serious sport with rules and etiquette, and we expect that you will follow both.
FOR YOUR NEXT KNIFE FIGHT
AACK MOST ANIMAL SOCKS [Preorder]
$12.50 ($11.50 for CAT 3s!)

Pre-order the aforementioned AACK Most Animal Socks for a handy $2.50 discount! Socks will not be shipping until late May-early June, but we have the design and we’re talking about them here, so we might as well let you buy ’em.

 

BONUS: email [email protected] with a photo of your current Cat 3 registration for an extra dollar off!

 

Made on Castelli Team Socks (20cm).

III The 2017 AACK Knife Fight Calendar

manualforspeed_aack_knifefightsched

cat3

IV Knife Fight #1: Tulsa Tough

In an effort to get things started we’re going to get things started. Us. Personally. Using code names, the Eagle, the Wolf and the Cheetah have registered to race the 2017 Tulsa Tough. In effect we’re Throwing the first Punches at each other. Consider it a demonstration. Maybe it’s inspiration. Whatever it is, it’s definitely putting your body where your mouth is. It’s definitely riding the walk as much as talking the talk.

 

Why Tulsa Tough? Because it’s the greatest three days of racing in America. That’s why. Also it’s televised. And the crowds are insane. The competition is insane. The heat is insane. The speeds are insane. The whole thing insane. Also on the third day, the day that nobody finishes, the course goes up Cry Baby Hill which is now a officially a satellite party for Coachella. So you know, on top of everything else, the level of high culture at Tulsa Tough is insane too.

 

It’s three days of racing and there are three of us. Each day is a little different and as such each day offers each one of us a little more opportunity than the others.

manualforspeed_aack_bluedome-title
The Blue Dome Criterium, Day One, is pure speed and it’s custom built for the Wolf's Mesomorphic super powers.
KF-01A: The Blue Dome Criterium
Scroll to the right to see more. →→→→
manualforspeed_aack_brady-title
The Brady Arts District Criterium, Day Two, features a few climbs and plays nicely to the Cheetah’s natural speeds.
KF-01B: The Brady Arts District Criterium
Scroll to the right to see more. →→→→
manualforspeed_aack_riverparks-title
The River Parks Criterium, aka Cry Baby Hill, Day Three, comes down to how many times are you willing to get punched in the dick in one race. There’s a dick punch on every lap, over and over again. Maybe the eagle is light enough to soar through that shit 16 or whatever times it takes to complete it. Maybe.
KF-01C: The River Parks Criterium
Scroll to the right to see more. →→→→
So yeah, AACK is throwing down by Throwing Punches for three days straight in June. It’s the Season Opener. Also we don't know exactly how this is going to work yet. So it’s also the pilot. The Beta. The test run. It’s the great Knife Fight Shake Out.”- AACK

 

 

SHARE THIS ARTICLE