River Parks Criterium
River Parks Criterium
I A Brief List of Things You Should Know About the Events, Conditions and Observations Leading up to and Throughout the Race/Day
- Thunderstorms were predicted. Rain happened earlier in the day but by the time the Men’s Pro Race started the roads were dry and the skies were clear(ish).
- Team MFS (Daniel and Keiran) ate breakfast at the First Watch across the street from Oral Roberts University. The wait wasn’t too long and the service was great. The food was exactly what it was supposed to be—Perkins or Pancake House X Souplantation—and the post Sunday Service scene was spectacular to behold. Speaking of Sunday Service,
- ORU was founded by Oral Roberts in 1965 “as a result of the evangelist Oral Roberts’ obeying God’s mandate to build a university on God’s and the Holy Spirit’s authority. God’s commission to Oral Roberts was to ‘Raise up your students to hear My voice, to go where My light is dim, where My voice is heard small, and My healing power is not known, even to the uttermost bounds of the earth. Their work will exceed yours, and in this I am well pleased’.”
Oral Roberts University
7777 S Lewis Ave, Tulsa, OK 74171
- The mighty Arkansas is NOT doing so hot. You can walk across it, in casual footwear, that you care about.
- The “American Obesity Epidemic” NPR as well as various other LNM (Liberal New Media, #duh) outlets are constantly reporting about can be witnessed first-hand style throughout the state of Oklahoma. It doesn’t matter where you are, just go outside and stand around for a minute. It is in fact, remarkable.
- Humidity in Oklahoma defies science and math.
- Tulsa, Oklahoma is rad. I’m talking to you Austin, Portland, Asheville, Boise, Ashland, Brooklyn, Lincoln, Chattanooga. Tulsa is coming up.
- Apparently Tulsa, Oklahoma was bombed during World War II as that’s the only reasonable explanation for the state of the roads in downtown Tulsa—bunny hops and ollies are necessary, real-world lifesaving skills/requirements.
- Today’s “criterium” race is ALL about Cry Baby Hill. All you need to know about Cry Baby Hill is this: 1) It’s the crux of the race because it’s a hill, in a crit. And it’s moderately steep, though short. And it’s followed by a roller into another hill, also short but you know, it’s the second hill in a crit so…which is followed by a sharp, right-hand, off-camber turn (#gnargnar); and 2) Every single Alternative or Alternative-curious man, woman and child—regardless of age, color, religious persuasion, sexual orientation, etc.—living/visiting/existing within 750 miles of Tulsa, Oklahoma is on that hill during that race, and 1000% without exception, is P A R T Y I N G I T U P. Like big time. Like with alcohol, a bona fide DJ, nudity, dancing, drugs, Super Soakers, etc. Oh, and a bike race, too. Let’s just say it out loud, we’re all thinking it, “At least one person got Pregnant at Day #3 of Tulsa Tough 2014.”
- I would never, ever, ever, under normal circumstances, use the expression Let Your Freak Flag Fly, for all the obvious reasons, of which there are many (i.e. I’m not currently, as I write this, wearing suede pants and an American flag sewn into a boat neck halter top, and it’s not 1977, and I don’t want a ride on the Mother Ship—actually, if I could walk around the Mother Ship, maybe kick the tires, take a glance a the manifest, get a breakdown regarding the itinerary, get a look at where I’d sleep and who I’d get to/have to sleep with, I might be into a ride on the Mother Ship, but that’s not important right now), but on this occasion, when describing the scene on Cry Baby Hill, it’s (the expression is) so overwhelmingly accurate its unavoidable.
- It’s a lot like what I’d imagine Woodstock would be like if it was 1/1000th the size, held behind an apartment complex in the suburbs of Tulsa next to a nearly dry and potentially magnificent river, and more about an athletic event and less about floppy, muddy boobs and freedom and bad music. That’s not to say that there was an absence of floppy, muddy boobs or freedom on Cry Baby Hill, because theeeeeere waaassssssssn’t. Side Note: The music on Cry Baby Hill was 1000 times better than the music at Woodstock, #donthate it’s just my opinion, #jamhands not #jambands.
- Sadly, there comes a time when a crowd and/or a scene gains consciousness and self awareness. When suddenly the crowd knows, collectively, it’s a spectacle to be consumed and photographed and loved. Typically when that happens, we’re out.
- Regarding the scene on Cry Baby Hill however, you get a pass. Here’s why: Oklahoma is still, 1000 years later, so scared of self-expression and sexuality and like, penises and stuff, that it’s embarrassing for all of America. So yeah, I guess keep getting aggressively and flamboyantly weird in public on a Sunday at a bike race. Next up, ukuleles, tall bikes and food carts! #keepportlandweird
- Manual for Speed Policy #2: If you want your photograph taken, we’re not taking it. We apologize if you, the reader, find this policy to be offensive and/or combative or distasteful or similar. It’s not you, it’s us.
- In case you are wondering, Manual for Speed Policy #1 is Don’t Smile at the Camera.
- There are exceptions to both Policies—please see below.
II Pre-Cry Baby Hill
III Cry Baby Hill
IV A Typology of Garbage Found on Cry Baby Hill
Clean Up, Clean Up
Everybody do your share!