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2014 Tour Down Under: Stage 04

2014 Tour Down Under: Stage 04

When I approached Graham Watson at the start of the bike thingy this morning, two things; he was sitting on the back of his Photo Moto with his eyes closed like mid-zen-style, and when he opened his eyes and saw me approaching (clearly in pursuit of an interview, again) he gave me a low-five like straight away, just like that, like we were buds. Boom.

2014 Tour Down Under: Stage 04

I II III IV V VI

I Project #GrahamGram

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II Today's Retraction is being replaced (today) by Today's Elaboration

Yesterday we shared with our MFS readership the discovery of a mindblowing, NEXT LEVEL health and wellness, proto-energy drink called Farmers Union Iced Coffee, or FUIC. While we mentioned its healing and rejuvenating powers, which healing and rejuvenating powers are legitimate, we failed to adequately describe the experience of drinking/consuming a FUIC, and/or communicate any details about its physical properties.

 

THE EXPERIENCE:

 

  1. First of all, you need to know that I’m currently about halfway through a liter-sized carton of FUIC this very minute, like right now-this-instant, like as-I-write-this-TDU-installation-report at (FTR) approximately 1:15 AM in the morning January 24. I have FUIC breath.
  2. FUIC is mocha colored, and FUIC smells like mocha, kinda.
  3. Thirdly, FUIC has the viscosity of 10w40 motor oil, the high mileage synthetic kind the dudes at Jiffy Lube are always trying to upsell you on.
  4. FUIC tastes like and feels like you’re drinking melted chocolate ice cream infused with a subtle hint of espresso flavoring—just a hint!
  5. FUIC works immediately to make everything feel better, you know like when you smoke marijuana, and like five minutes later your toes suddenly start to feel noticeably good, and that feeling slowly but perceptibly begins to radiate outward from your toes into the rest of your body including your brain mind. Drinking a FUIC is like that.

 

SOME DETAILS:

 

  • FUIC is the beverage of choice for 89% of Australian Tradies.
  • FUIC is proudly made in Australia at Salisbury SA, Penrith NSW.
  • FUIC ingredients: Reduced fat milk, milk solids, sugar, coffee powder (MIN 0.4%), flavours and vegetable gum (407).
  • “It’s scientific fact that flavoured milk drinks like FUIC or Nippy’s Iced Honeycomb (NIHc) outsell Cokes and other sodas in Adelaide. Also, while we’re on the subject, in Australia bicycles outsell cars.”—Josh
  • Dear @issteph, thank you very much for the recommendation. Tomorrow somewhere on Willunga, I will try my first Nippy’s.

III 30 AUSTRALIAN ANIMALS THAT CAN KILL YOU
A MANUAL FOR SPEED PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

  1. Box jellyfish (Chironex fleckeri)
  2. Honey bee (Apis mellifera)
  3. Irukandji (Carukia barnesi)
  4. Bull shark (Carcharhinus leucas)
  5. Eastern brown snake (Pseudonaja textilis)
  6. Saltwater or estuarine crocodile (Crocodylus porosus)
  7. Sydney funnel web spider (Atrax robustus)
  8. Blue-ringed octopus (Genus Hapalochlaena)
  9. Coastal taipan (Oxyuranus scutellatus)
  10. Common death adder (Acanthopis antarticus)
  11. Cone shells (Conus sp.)
  12. Dugite or spotted brown snake (Pseudonaja affinis)
  13. Mulga snake or king brown snake (Pseudechis australis)
  14. Red-bellied black snake (Pseudechis porphyriacus)
  15. Tiger shark (Galeocerdo cuvier)
  16. Tiger snake (Notechis scutatus)
  17. Great white shark (Carcharodon carcharias)
  18. Yellow-bellied sea snake (Pelamis platurus)
  19. Bluebottle (Physalia physalis)
  20. Common lionfish (Pterois volitans)
  21. Collett’s snake (Pseudechis colletti)
  22. Highland copperhead (Austrelaps ramsayi)
  23. Inland taipan (Oxyuranus microlepidotus)
  24. Redback spider (Lactodectus hasselti)
  25. Reef stonefish (Synanceia verrucosa)
  26. Smooth toadfish (Tetractenos glaber)
  27. Blue-bellied black snake (Pseudechis guttatus)
  28. Australian paralysis tick (Ixodes holocyclus)
  29. Bull ant (Myrmercia pilosula)
  30. Giant centipede (Ethmostigmus rubripes)

IV Today's Playlist
Fresh 92.7 FM was on fire today!

V Manual for Speed Human Athlete Celebrity Stalk #1: Marcel Kittel

MFS followed Marcel Kittel from the TEAM GIANT TDU-issue minivan to the sign-in area. After giving an interview, posing with small children, posing with a group of adults and publicly signing his name on a dry erase board, Marcel had a moment to talk with MFS about shit that really matters, his hair—enough with the racing and the bikes and the legs and the blah blah blah!

 

  • MFS: Where did you get your haircut and how much did it cost?
  • MK: I got my haircut in Adelaide, it cost me $70 and it was the most expensive haircut I’ve ever had. I normally pay $30 at most.
  • MFS: Are you aware that the internet (namely @tubulartommy though he has considerable support, a groundswell really, regarding his opinions) has accused you of being awesome, more or less the same way Val Kilmer was awesome in the Hollywood blockbuster Top Gun?
  • MK: What do you mean?
  • MFS: I mean that thousands, if not millions, of people think you look like Val Kilmer when Val Kilmer was a B.A. fighter pilot named Ice Man, not Val Kilmer now because now he’s fat and you have many years of racing ahead of you before you are fat, most likely.
  • MK: (confidently laughing, head thrown rakilshly-but-not-so-much-as-to-be-too-much back) Of course, of course, I understand you now, there is a similarity, right?!

 

Side Note: After the finish we FINALLY made it to the Giant/4SHAW sock dealer in Adelaide. While there we spoke with a young man who works there called Ash. Naturally the subject of Marcel’s hair eventually came up, and when it did Ash had this to say:  “When he was in here earlier this week he told me he spent $100 on his haircut. I asked him where he went, and he told me Parlour on Rundell St. because someone told him they were the best hair salon in all of Australia. But he should have gone to Boys Club Barber Shop where he would have only paid $30, and gotten a beer, for free!”

 

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VI Stage 04

Unley (0km)

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MFS: "What was the most exciting part about yesterday's race for the three of you, like personally?" PGs: "Watching Cadel Evans win!" MFS: "What about kissing him?" PGs: "He's lovely!" MFS: "Who would you like to win today?" PGs: "It's tough, and we're biased. Of course we'd like to see an Aussie win. It's a tough decision. Cadel has the Ochre Jersey, but we like Simon Gerrans too." MFS: "Can we switch gears and talk about Marcel Kittle's hair?" PGs: "We like his hair, it's luscious! He's got a reason to be proud of his hair style, if I was bloke and I had a haircut like that I'd be very happy." MFS: "Do you see the similarities or likeness between Marcel Kittle and Val Kilmer in the movie Top Gun?" PGs: "We've never seen Top Gun." MFS: "Okay, okay, okay, you're young it was before your time, I understand. What's up with you and the miniature Kangaroos?" PGs: "This is Tara and Toby, they're six months old, they're rescue kangaroos. Two lovely ladies bring baby rescue kangaroos to the TDU every year because they feel like it would be a good time for them to talk about it, and let people know what's going on."
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MFS: "We love your hair!, for the last few days we've noticed you and your hair. In fact everyone here in Australia seems to love you and your hair. What's up with that?" Neil van der Ploeg: "Well look, it's a bit polarizing actually, some people like yourself love it, some people hate it. I've actually had a lot of pressure recently to cut it all off—mainly from the team and odd people here and there. It IS a bit risky on a hot day. But yeah look, you get the odd compliment I guess. I think people yell and scream at me because I'm Australian and we're in Australia."
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MFS: "No, there's more to it than that." NvdP: Look, well, it's probably because I've been off the back the last couple of stages, so by the time I go by the crowd has nothing else to focus on but me. And I've been popping a few monos [wheelies] as well, so I think maybe that's it. I'm the mono guy now. Yesterday on Corkscrew everyone was shouting at me, pop it up, pop it up!" MFS: "And today, how do you feel?" NvdP: "Yeah not too bad, hopefully no more consolation monos!"
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Stirling M1 (Princess Highway / South Eastern Freeway) Overpass (approx. 10km)

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"My name is Lochland Darch. I want to see Cadel win. I also like Jens Voigt, André Greipel and Richie Porte. Do I race? I'm hoping to start this year."
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SKODA King of the Mountain: Reservoir Road, Myponga (95.7km)

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Technically speaking 1 km below the KOM, since the actual KOM was hot and bright and the SKODA sign blew over because it was so windy.
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"My name is Michael. I'm here to watch the race, the Tour Down Under! I live in the south, I just came up to see the guys race, this is my first time. I wish the racers all the best!"
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"Hey Lachlan, what part of the race are you looking forward to today?" "The parts after the big hill in the beginning, the parts that aren't windy, and the finish."
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Maxime Daniel is from Rennes, the capital of of Brittany in France. Riders from that part of the country are known for being tough, particularly due to the harsh weather they experience during training. Having said that, Maxime has still experienced tough days on the bike. His account of one day at this year's Tour Down Under seems to imply that he bonked, or blew up (in cycling terms)—though automatic online translators of his French insist on saying that he "ended up farting in the last lap of the final circuit."
A Brief Typology of the Australian Ute
"150 years ago there was this Aussie bush ranger called Ned Kelly who built his own suit of armor out of cast iron with a big helmet with little slits for eyes so he couldn't get shot by the cops. They had muskets and stuff. When he and his gang were surrounded in a small farmhouse, just before he was shot he said, "Such is life." It's like a full on Bogan war cry now."--Josh
"A ute – an abbreviation for "utility" or "coupé utility" – is a term used originally in Australia and New Zealand to describe passenger vehicles with a cargo tray in the rear."
"Australia has developed a culture around utes, particularly in rural areas with events known as Ute musters. It is common, particularly in rural areas, to customise utes in the "B&S style" with bullbars, spotlights, oversized mudflaps, exhaust pipe flaps and UHF aerials. The ute culture has been romanticised by country singers such as Lee Kernaghan, who has written odes to the ute such as She's My Ute, Scrubbabashin, Baptise The Ute and Love Shack."
Ford XG Falcon GLi Longreach
"Ford is claimed to be the first company to produce an Australian "ute". This was the result of a 1932 letter from the wife of a farmer in Victoria, Australia asking for “a vehicle to go to church in on a Sunday and which can carry our pigs to market on Mondays”."
Holden HSV Maloo

Victor Harbor, BUPA Challenge Tour and Finish (148.5km)

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Reasonably Useful Race Photograph, fig. 1
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Reasonably Useful Race Photograph, fig. 2
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"The Tour doesn't help the shop at all, it actually keeps people from coming into town, but it's great for the area and it makes a lot of profit for those who provide places to eat and drink and sleep and whatever else. It's good for the area, it's exposure. I like cycling, I'm into it. Cadel's the man, of course, because he's first Aussie to win the Tour de France."—Mark from Martin's Pump Shop in Victor Harbor.
Victor Harbor #barricadebutts
It was a beautiful day to lean on a barricade!
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