I MFS Presents: Cobble Goblins
What makes the Spring Classics so classic? Hmmm, could it be that the races travel through ancient and medieval European towns teeming with drunk David Guetta zombies? Is is it the unpredictable and vengeful weather conditions that torment the riders with flashes of sun, wind, rain, snow, and hail? Perhaps it’s the format of the races themselves, one-day winner-take-all affairs where winning means putting everything you have have on the line? Yes, yes, yes—and more. These races are the equivalent of knife fighting over an open grave or biting off your own tongue out of spite. These are scratching, clawing, blood, sweat, and tears affairs. You fail, your bike fails, the weather fails and it’s over, it’s an entire year before you get another chance. All this means that these races present the opportunity for a truly transformative experience, a platform for the uncanny and the beautiful. And then there’s the Cobble Goblins.
What’s a Cobble Goblin? What are we talking about? Great questions, we’re glad you asked. Okay so, in order to properly consume our Campaign Coverage you need to fully comprehend all the relevant terminology, the three most crucial of which being, of course: Cobble Goblins, Cobble Gobblers and Cobble a-Gobblin’.
- Cobble Goblins: At first glance they look like regular cobbles, you know pavé, your basic road-like surface made up of brick-shaped rocks. But look more closely and you’ll notice that some of the cobbles are animate, that’s right, they’re alive. You can easily identity which ones are which because the living ones have legs, arms and teeth. Also they worship the devil. They’re committed to destruction. And serving, generally speaking, to bring a biblical-like form of doom and havoc upon the peloton. Mostly it’s basic stuff like flat tires, wrecked wheels, crashes, etc. But sometimes it gets more intense.
- Cobble Gobblers: Those Professional Cyclists who dominate the cobbles. The riders that tear them up, heroes who literally eat the cobbles up.
- Cobble a-Gobblin’: A.) The act of eating up the cobbles, e.g. “Hey Dude, did you happen to watch the Tour of Flanders yesterday? Yeah, it was insane, Peter Sagan did some serious cobble gobblin’.” B.) Spectating a Spring Classics bike race, e.g. “Hey Dude, what are you doing Sunday? Yannick and I are headed up to the Mur De Huy to do some cobble gobblin.”
II Introducing: Manual for Speed Center
There is no doubt the world’s thirst for hard-hitting investigative Pro Tour cycling journalism is greater than ever before, and while the racers have no intentions of slowing down, it seems our competitors just can’t keep up. But Manual for Speed refuses to let good content go bad, and we’re prepared to give you even more of what you need; that’s why we’ve created Manual for Speed Center (MFSC). MFSC is a semi-regular, highly-entertaining taped broadcast show that will no doubt add an extra level of depth to our award-winning coverage. We’re taking about increased sensations, a more visceral experience, a near tactile immersion in the most intimate aspects of professional road racing. From Race Reports to Cobble Goblins, Fan Clubs to YO! MFS Cribz, At the Races to Barricade Butts, we’re going to take your experience of the pro circuit to a whole new level.Manual for Speed Center is at the heart of the peloton and we’re not afraid to take its pulse!”- MFSC
MFSC knows that you can’t be taken seriously as sports talk show correspondents without correspondent jackets. Like with everything MFS, we weren’t going to settle on some shoulder pad-stuffed Men’s Warehouse jobbers like those clowns on NBC. You know MFS is all about style. So we reached out to our friends at Dehen and asked them to make us a siq pair of jackets.
Dear Readers, are you ready to become watchers? Great news!!!! Okay then, here it is: MFSC Episode 1.01 – Cobble Goblins 101
III Cobble Goblins Publishing Schedule
IV Cobble Goblins Commemorative Merchandise
What epitomizes the Classics? If you said, “COBBLES!”, you’d be dead right. Are cobbles just inanimate stones used to make roads, or are they something more, something mysterious and metaphysical? Something like say Goblins? If you don’t believe, you’re dangerously mistaken—but for the true believers out there, we worked with artist Benjamin Marra to immortalize these Cobble Goblins so you can show the world that you see the truth! Want to wear your belief on your chest? We’ve got T-shirts!
Spring Classics (aka Cobble Goblins) Underwriters Thank You!
For the next three weeks Manual For Speed is your Spring Classics Virtual Reality. Creating a three-week-long virtual reality requires a lot of support both emotionally, psychologically and financially. Our underwriters provide us with all of three and more. We cherish them because of it; won’t you cherish them too?