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WHOOSH: Red Hook Criterium – Brooklyn ’17

WHOOSH

WHOOSH: Red Hook Criterium – Brooklyn ’17

Saturday April 28, 2017 | Red Hook, Brooklyn

WHOOSH there it is!

WHOOSH: Red Hook Criterium – Brooklyn ’17

I II III IV V
Race Stats
Start Location

Brooklyn Cruise Terminal

Finish Location

Brooklyn Cruise Terminal

Distance

28 laps; roughly 22.40549242 mi

Number of Steps

Lots.

Time of Filing

Friday.

Accomodations

The LOOK hotel Red Hook, an Ascend Hotel Collection Member. This place was great and I want to tell you about it but first, thank you Specialized for our individual rooms!—very, very, classy. Also, staying in the same hotel as the Team Specialized Rocket Espresso team made documenting them in their natural habitat very seamless. And seamless is EVERYTHING. More on that later. Anyway, this hotel looks like a pile of shit on the internet so on the way there I was a bit dubious. Maybe that’s why Delta delayed our flight for an hour, then let us sit on the tarmac trapped in their peanut-fart-sack-of-a-plane for another hour and half, and circled Manhattan from 20,000 feet for an hour before eventually, begrudgingly, landing and thusly releasing us. And maybe that’s why they kept our bags from us for 37.9 minutes at the baggage carousel. Because they were worried our hotel sucked and they wanted us to check-in at four in the morning instead of nine at night to save us from any unnecessary rest and relaxtion in a shit hole. Here’s the thing though, the hotel is great. The rooms are great. It’s clean. And the staff, while kinda unorthodoxed and non-traditional in their approach to just about everything, are super friendly and rad, and they kinda operate like friends and family. Also, the hotel is basically adjacent to the race and the parties and a few good places to eat. Also the Whole Foods isn’t that far. Also, the Whole Foods is basically on the way to and from Prospect Park which is also close, like 15 minutes away by bike.

Today's Objectives
  1. Reacquaint myself with the Red Hook Critical Mass environment and landscape.
  2. Recover from yesterday’s Cippo-crit in Prospect Park. Six 3.2 mile laps of pure terror and thrill.
  3. Video interviews with the Specialized Rocket Espresso team.
  4. Take at least one “in focus” photograph.
  5. Don’t cause a crash.
Top 3 Finishers

Women:

  1. Colleen Gulick
  2. Eleonore Saraiva
  3. Carla Nafria

 

Men:

  1. Stefan Schafer
  2. Colin Strickland
  3. Aldo Ino Ilesic
WIFI Details
THIS IS AMERICA! But yeah, it actually wasn't that great. It wasn't bad either. Listen, did I stream the first episode of The Handmaid’s Tale on Hulu without problems? Yeah, I did in fact do that, and yeah there were no problems to speak of. With the internet. And the TV show was great—I read the book in like the fourth grade or whatever and loved it, I love a good dystopian model!!!! But Offred is definitely up against it. Offred definitely has problems.
Weather
Warm, light wind, dark.
Quote of the Day
"Yeah, you’re right. I did animate the race. You know what, I’m basically the Walt Disney of Red Hook. Wait, can I change that? I want to be the Miyazaki of Red Hook."
-Evan Murphy
Course Description [OFFICIAL]
MFS Bible
Course Description [UNOFFICIAL]

Sperm-shaped. Or hook-shaped. Listen, it’s a little bit of a Rorschach ink blot deal. Also we’re tired of telling you what we think it looks like. Why do we have to do ALL the work? Why don’t you tell us what shape it is? Please tweet us @manualforspeed with your vote or opinion or whatever you want to say about the shape of the course. Otherwise yeah, it’s kinda flat, they go in circles, there are hay bales (I think?) and barriers everywhere, lots of Castelli and sponsor banners everywhere. It’s dark. Flood lights. Smells A LOT like weed. When it’s not a race course I bet it’s a pretty regular stop on the dogging circuit. Strong warf vibes.

Today's Observation #1

You really really really really really CAN wear rollerblades while documenting a bike race. Well, a crit for sure. A Spring Classic might be tougher.

Today's Observation #2

We’re calling our Utopian version of Red Hook “WHOOSH”. In the last few weeks I started to doubt that name and concept because maybe we tried to hard to do an onomatopoeic thing. That was silly. That name and concept make so much sense. It’s the greatest name and concept for gladiatorial exhibitions of speed on track bikes ever. Just stand on the side of a RHC course for one pass. That’s all it will take, one pass and WHOOSH there it is—the name for this component discipline for the future or Road Cycling presents itself.

Today's Observation #3

WHOOSH there it is! Come on!

Today's Observation #4

It’s been a few years since Manual for Speed was at this event and wow, it’s all grown-up. It’s that much closer in every aspect really to what Professional Road Racing looks like. Not in a bad way, in a good way. Also, don’t worry, it still smells like weed. We saw messenger bags. Brakes are still for fakes and stuff. It’s just legit is all.

Today's Observation #5

Really can’t stop thinking about that dude owning the race coverage in rollerblades.

Meal & Food Report

Nothing exciting to report. This is easier to write in France.

Retractions/Corrections/Apologies

n/a

The Crew
Daniel Wakefield Pasley
Kyle Von Hoetzendorff

I Road to Rad, Exhibit A: RED HOOK CRIT BROOKLYN

manualforspeed_whoosh_brooklynposter_comp
This WHOOSH: Brooklyn poster designed by Michiel Schuurman is not only insanely good, but it's $30 in the MFS Shop.

We’d like to share our Key Thoughts with you about the race, but first some background:

 

  1. This is the only Red Hook Criterium location we’ve ever done.
  2. This is the third time we’ve covered Brooklyn (2014, 2015 and now 2017.
  3. This year we will cover the whole series, but for now all we know is Brooklyn.
  4. After a series of extensive interviews with the Specialized Rocket Espresso team it’s clear that, from their perspective at least, this particular race has a slightly exalted or special significance within the series. Brooklyn is the origin, the birthplace, it’s a little bit of the holy ground.

 

We’re almost ready to share those thoughts. But real quick, we came to this event, as well as the whole WHOOSH project (along with WHOOSH’s relationship to Road to Rad), with some assumptions and preconceived notions. I think we should share those here and now. It will only take a second.

 

  1. From a spectator’s POV, criteriums are the coolest form of cycling to watch and attend and spectate.11In America. It’s basically an outdoor party. You can mill around and mingle. Drink. See friends. Talk. Listen to music. Eat a pan-Korean vegan taco or Belgian Frites or whatever from an artisanal, locally-sourced cart. The only decision you need to make is: “Should we watch the speed exhibition from the infield or the outfield?” Every three minutes 70 gladiators in speed suits come past you at insane speeds on bikes, too close to each other to even fathom, before literally diving into a corner and disappearing again until the next time.
  2. Circle-shaped courses22Circle-shaped courses are a type of course defined as having a closed-loop shape and a distance of less than a mile. Some, but not all, circuits are circle-shaped. Technically speaking, circle-shaped races can be hooks, button-hooks, figure eights, swirling molly’s, lollipops, under/overs, etc. are smaller and easier to manage and enjoy than non-circle shaped courses. For E-V-E-R-Y-O-N-E everyone. Staff. Local governments. Police. Crowds. Fans. EMTs. Traffic Control. Etc. You can do circle races in the country. You can do circle races on a highway outside of Fresno. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand you can do circle races in a city where people live. And people, as you probably know, love entertainment. Which brings us to our Key Thoughts for the day.

 

Key Thoughts

 

  1. Red Hook Crits are entertaining.
  2. Cycling as Entertainment is a novel idea and but it shouldn’t be.
  3. Outside of cycling, fans of racing sports (in a general sense) like the culmination and cocktail of drinking, bright lights, carnage, exhibitions of speed, impossible physical feats, jock jams, TV cameras, cornering, alcohol, food, crazy outfits, luck, chaos, skill, heroes, villains and rock stars.
  4. Most cycling events are designed, presented and “covered” such that they’re ONLY interesting if you’re a cyclist. And even then, only just barely.
  5. None of the millions of people who follow NASCAR actually race cars, for all intents and purposes. None of them. Cycling doesn’t get that. Cycling needs to get that.
  6. You don’t need to know shit about bikes to enjoy a Red Hook Crit.

II Red Hook Crit Testmonials
Provided by Authentic RHC Competitors

“My most prized possession is ​Life. I love mango and banana smoothies. I can eat and sleep twice as much as the average person. My sprit animal is a raven. To prepare for racing I meditate, I become quiet, I keep my head down, I listen to music, I embrace the calm before the storm. And I want you to know that the Red Hook Crit is truly a work of art. The experience is unforgettable.

 

—Tyler Johnson (@ridelots), Mobbin/Majestic Cycling

WHOOSH T-Shirt Available Now!

 

“My most prized possession is my record collection. My favorite smoothie is a chocolate Oreo milkshake. I can foresee the future. My sprit animal is a bald eagle. To prepare for racing I listen to tough guy hardcore and avoid talking to people. And I want you to know that the Red Hook Crit is the only race that gives me extreme anxiety/race jitters until the very moment I’m racing on course.

 

—Cameron Bond (@_cameronbond), Endo Concept Team

 

“My most prized possession is an old LOOK belt I thrifted. Any smoothie with peanut butter is my favorite smoothie. My hidden talents include pole dancing and twerking. My sprit animal is a cuddly ball of energy that never gives up: a pit bull. To prepare for racing I rely on Beyoncé, Black Flag, coffee and pep talks from teammate Kelli Samuelson ❤. And I want you to know that there’s a lot of positivity, tons of social events, inclusivity and general full stoke attitude for the Red Hook Crit that I’ve never seen for any other bike race.

 

—Erin Goodall (@take_naps), LA SWEAT

 

“My most prized possession is ​my donkey. My favorite smoothie is Dr. Dave. I have a hidden talent for carpentry. My sprit animal is a bald eagle. To prepare for racing I just remember to have fun; racing is in my blood—I grew up training race horses with my father and riding motocross. And I want you to know that the Red Hook Crit is the wildest, most intense adrenaline-filled adventure on wheels.

 

—Jeremy Santucci (@jeremysantucci), RevoRacing

 

“My most prized possession is my ass. Can I say that? My ass is pretty great. My favorite smoothie is coconut meat, blueberries, pineapple, banana, and almond milk. I get along unnaturally well with other people’s pets. My sprit animal is a liger. RAAR. To prepare for racing I watch a loop of the scene from Lion King when Scar says, “Long live the king!”. And I want you to know that racing the Red Hook Crit is like having to throw up while having diarrhea—but not regretting what you ate to end up in that predicament. Other races are more like a night of heavy drinking.

 

—Christian Feliciano (@the_phantom_timb), Kanabo Cycling

 

“My most prized possession is ​your mom. I prefer smoothies that are only for adults. I have a hidden talents, but a magician never reveals his secrets. My sprit animal is a cow, because we would provide burgers and steaks for the entire world! To prepare for racing I think about my friends and my fitness and I swing a battle sword around in my hotel room like this. And I want you to know that I have been longing for this moment for 10 years. Red Hook Crit is about the community and the development of fixed racing. I see it growing all the time and that makes me happy.”

 

—Colby Logback (@logwacker), Team Party Time

 

“I don’t possess anything, but my children mean everything to me. My favorite smoothie is the Almond Lover with organic protein on 10th St. & Ave. A—holler at my boy Amid. I surf better than I cycle. Can Wolverine be my spirit animal? Okay, the jaglion (look it up, kids). Preparing to race isn’t an issue for me; I was born to do this. And I’m not trying to be that guy, I am that guy. I’m lucky. And I want you to know that the Red Hook Crit is the best natural drug on the race cycling market today. Not only for spectators but for all types of cyclists.

 

—Alfred Bobé Jr. (@Abo.4000), Columbus Factory Racing

 

“My most prized possessions are my doggos. My favorite smoothie is peanut butter chocolate. I don’t have any hidden talents, at least that I’m willing to divulge. My sprit animal is a lion, some lady told me once. I don’t do anything to prepare for racing. And I want you to know that the Red Hook Crit is like a high school reunion. It’s not really about the race.

 

—Kelli Samuelson (@kellisam), LA SWEAT

 

“My most prized possessions are my skyscraper relics/souveniers. There are too many smoothie places replacing mom and pop businesses in New York to have a favorite kind. I frequently eat a slice with a cup of coffee while riding my track bike thru traffic. It’s a New Yorker thing. I also have an encyclopedic knowledge of Manhattan. My sprit animal is definitely a hawk. To prepare for racing I just put my hair down and hold on. And I want you to know that the Red Hook Crit is terrifying and exhilarating. It’s a pretty wild time warp effect, sort of like Hyperspace. No matter what, you’re shaking in your boots at the start of the circus. People are actually interested in being spectators and show up!

 

—Cooper Ray (@coffeeandbikes), Deluxe Factory Racing

 

“My most prized possession is ​my Snake Plissken acton figure. He guards the pens on my desk and doesn’t give a fuck about your war or your president. My favorite smoothie is the Ramos Fizz. Cooking brunch is my most-endorsed LinkedIn skill. My sprit animal is a red fox, because of their cunning, gingerness and food aggression. Motörhead prepares me for racing. And I want you to know that the Red Hook Crit is probably the single greatest speedball of fun and terror I’ve ever experienced. The days before the race are marked by a rising tide of anxiety that finally breaks when the proverbial gun goes off. That’s followed by a half hour in the eye of a brakeless, single-speed storm that’s over entirely too quickly. Finally, you’re bathed in an endorphin-filled wave of elation and relief when it’s all over.

—Zach Morvant (@zmorvant), The Heavy Pedal

III Women's Race

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A Brief Typology of Hands on Bars Before the Women's Race
Hold on tight! Scroll to the right. →→→
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IV Men's Race

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A Brief Typology of #TheMachine
Machinists and their rigs. Scroll to the right. →→→
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V Post-Race

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WHOOSH is made possible by:

 


 

 

Artwork by Michiel Schuurman.

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